No Joy Without the Pain

Save Ferris 'Mistaken':

There's no joy without the pain,
It's the pain that makes us strong,
But sometimes it's just so hard to carry on.

Sometimes when I am having a rough time at the gym I sing those words in my head. I joyfully accept the pain both physical and emotional as long as it gets me to my goal of loving my body.

I've started increasing the intensity of my workouts both cardiovascular and with weights. It's a challenge. However, I remind myself that I was able to do the workout last week and I've survived. I did 40 minutes on Saturday so I can do it again today.

When it's hard to carry on it's the time to refocus and work harder. Food and laziness will not contribute to a fulfilled life. It will contribute to a shorter life that means nothing. I will not live without purpose.

I've been inspired by the people of mfp. It's amazing to see the obstacles people have overcome and how they deal with it to get to their goals. I am trying to become the inspiring story for myself though. I'm proud of all of the hard work I've done and I know how proud I'll be when I finally triumph over binge eating and laziness. It get's closer every day.

Four weeks down and four weeks closer to loving my body.

Little Changes

This week I got back on track after a rocky time of the month and the flu. I feel so energized and I am noticing so many little changes that are beyond awesome.

Friday morning I went to the gym in the morning. Later that evening I actually went for a walk by my own choice. Normally I shy away from anything that can be deemed as exercise if I've already worked out for the day. It was so nice walking around my block (about a mile) that I almost took a second lap. However, instead of taking that second lap, I made the decision to wash my car. My car only gets washed probably on a quarterly basis. I have been going to wash my car since forever, but it never gets done. Now my car is completely clean and hiding from the rain in my garage. These may not seem like huge events, but it's a start to being more active.

Today I've spent the day gardening and spring cleaning. It feels so good not to be sluggish and lazy. Normally, I would spend my Sunday sitting in front of a computer and eating bad because weekends are especially challenging for me.

I also signed up for a coed softball team. My friend Jen and I are really excited to play. We figured it's a good way to be a little active and have some fun.

It's so weird to be excited about doing all of these active things. Exercising is almost becoming a hobby for me and I feel so much more fulfilled now that I'm getting a lot more active. I love all of the positive changes that come with eating right and exercising. I can't wait to see what else changes.

Pushing Forward

I hit a milestone today. I have officially lost 10lbs. Losing those 10lbs means so much more than just dropping the weight. I gained those 10lbs after I had a miscarriage in January. It was an incredibly difficult time for me and I definitely ate some of my emotions. These last few weeks of getting back on track has been so incredibly healing. I feel like losing the 10lbs has helped me emotionally and it's getting me back to a better frame of mind. I feel so much more hopeful than I was a month ago. I feel like I'm able to go on.

It's amazing to find your inner strength. These last two weeks mean more to me than just getting healthy or losing weight - it is showing me what I'm capable of. I've worked out harder than I have ever before. I'm learning how to eat right and feel emotions instead of eating them.

Today I got a cramp about 12 minutes into the cardio portion of my workout and I pushed it out to make sure that I got my full 30 minutes in. I increased my weights and the incline on my warm up. I made these choices because I want to change and I'm tired of making excuses. I am strong enough to do this.

We all have obstacles in our lives. How we choose to deal with them defines us as a person. When I look back on my life I want to know that I lived life to the fullest. That I worked hard for the things that were important to me. That I experienced the full range of emotions - both good and bad. That I am capable of achieving anything I set my mind to. I want to live a life without regret. So I will push forward.

Transformation

I know I'm only at the beginning of the journey to love my body. However, each day I get a little bit closer to reaching that goal. Yesterday, I decided to make some other changes as well that would contribute to my goal.

Since I've gained weight, I haven't really cared what I look like. Every day I wear one of my tired old t-shirts and a pair of jeans. The most that ever gets done with my hair is a blow dry after a shower and I've stopped wearing makeup. Without being in shape I guess I feel like there is no reason I should care about what I look like and it seems like I've just become lazy.

I took a step towards changing that yesterday. One of my best friends, Jen, is a hairdresser and she has been dying to get her hands on my hair. I'm guessing that's because it's painful to see how much I've let myself go. Besides, I end up with pictures with her! Anyways, she brought me into the salon and told me to just let her work her magic. I came out with beautiful hair - I have blonde, red and brown highlights and the combination is phenomenal. She really does have a talent.

After hair, we decided to go shopping for some clothes. I have recently come to a point where I'm tired of looking like a man. When I was at Wal-Mart the other day some woman (the opposite of a stylish woman) complimented me on a shirt I stole from my husband and that's when I knew it was time to make another change. I did some research on my body shape and took the What Not to Wear approach. I found out I have a pear shaped body and I've been dressing all wrong. I followed the rules for my shape.

Jen and I have a similar body shape. I just tend to be heavier in the legs. We had fun picking out clothes for our pear shaped body. It's amazing - after doing some research I found clothes that were flattering to my body. With my new hair and new clothes I feel like a million dollars!

I'm honestly just tired of waiting till I lose weight to start loving my body. I want to start right now. I used to never want to buy clothes for my current size because I always wanted to wait until I slimmed down. No more! I'm going to start looking good at every step of the journey. Why? Because I'm worth it!

What Really Matters

I think our whole lives we have been taught to consider the things that don't truly matter. We have been consumed by greed, ends justifies the means logic and negativity. If you don't act or look a certain way - you are judged. Beauty is determined by your weight and not your soul. Even though as a culture we have so much to be thankful and happy for, we have learned not to be content with what we have and always want more.

This weekend was a hard weekend for me because I was in an emotional tailspin. I felt like I was at the bottom of a well with no light to shed hope on anything. No matter what happened, I approached it with negativity. It was like I wanted to punish myself and continue to feel horrible.

However, today I was given a lesson by one of my best friends. The lesson my friend gave me was a simple one. It was a lesson she shouldn't have had to teach me. She reminded me of things I'd forgotten long ago. The lesson was to look at what really matters and what will fade away. Yes, I was depressed and sad, but I have my health. I have a husband who loves me, friends that will be there for me no matter what, a roof over my head and the opportunity to do the things in life that I enjoy. I have the ability to change the things I don't like about myself, but I need to also learn to love me just as I am.

What really matters isn't losing weight or fitting into that perfect dress. What matters is believing in myself - believing that I can and will change. There is so much negativity in the world and I don't want getting healthier to be one of those things - it is a positive change. I don't want to become "beautiful" on the outside at the risk of losing the person I am on the inside. I am going to strive to make the changes I need to make, but to look at them from a positive point of view. I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.

I can't believe that I forgot or don't consider how much good there is in my life. How much negative energy was eating away at my soul. I have so much to be thankful for and I owe it to myself to remember that on a daily basis. Afterall, its the good and the positive things that really matter.

Stronger

Today I resumed going to the gym after taking a day off to rest yesterday. It's amazing how focused and motivated I am. I feel so much more positive and that in itself is something new.

This last week I have been tested in so many different ways. I have had birthday parties, emotional stress, depression, tears and events. However, I stayed the course. I read a blog on this site that said to just feel the emotion, not eat the emotion - and I feel like that is kind of what I did. I'm normally an emotional eater and for the first time in a long time I feel like I can conquer that.

While I was working out, I heard a song by Britney Spears (yes, I know it's embarrassing, but her music is catchy - I understand if you don't want to admit it). The song was "Stronger" and I'm going to write down a few of the lyrics that applied to me and probably applies to others that are making this lifestyle change. So here it goes:

Stronger than yesterday
Now it's nothing but my way
I am stronger
Than I ever thought that I could be, baby
I used to go with the flow
Didn't really care 'bout me

Admittedly, the song is about leaving a guy or at least that's what I think it's about, but those words I wrote above spoke to me. I am stronger than I was yesterday. I am stronger than I was last week. I am 100 percent stronger than I was last month. I didn't really care about myself and it's evident in the way I treated my body. So, I am going to take my strength and do something about it.

One Week Down

It's one week down and one week closer to loving my body. I figured today I would start blogging because I know that the journey I'm on is for real this time. I can feel the motivation coursing through me and I know that I really want it this time.

I can actually say that I feel proud this week and a little optimistic. It's been a long time since I could say that I am really optimistic about changing my body. I feel like this is the time to start making changes. I feel like if I don't do it now, I'll never do it.

I am also officially saying no. No to diets, fads, pills, programs and unrealistic expectations. I am saying yes to making smart choices, being conscious of what I am eating and still enjoying the foods I love. I am also saying yes to "budgeting" foods that I enjoy whether allowing for the calories or working out to earn them. I am also saying yes to accountability.

It's not going to be an easy road, but isn't it always the harder road that makes getting there worth it? I can and will do it. I owe it to myself, my husband and the children I don't have yet but already love.